Harry Potter and the Terrible Shock
by Phoenix Tears Type 6
Summary: Harry is on one of Dudley's computers. He goes to Fanfiction.net and is quite surprised at what he reads...
1. Voldemort

Note: I don't own Harry Potter. A fic like this is really out of character for me… read my other one, "Harry Potter and the Six Phoenixes", and you'll see what I mean. For some odd reason though, I felt like posting one of these since I haven't seen anything like this yet. Hope it's somewhat funny or entertaining! And flames are welcomed and expected.  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry was deep in thought as he sat in Dudley's second room. It was the summer after his fourth year… one more month and he'd be a fifth year. His homework was finished and he had nothing to do. This was boredom in its highest form.  
  
In frustration, he kicked the broken piece of junk that was infront of him. It gave a whir and miraculously started working.  
  
:: Hm? That's odd. I didn't know it was plugged in!:: he thought. He had accidently started up Dudley's old computer, that he had assumed was broken. Apparently, it wasn't anymore.  
  
Quickly, Harry signed onto the internet.  
  
:: Let me see, where should I go? I know!:: Nimbly, Harry typed up the Fanfictoin.net site. He clicked on the link for books, then the one labled Harry Potter. He smirked, knowing Dudley would have a fit if he knew Harry had his own books, movies, and fanfiction.  
  
Harry scrolled down the page, but stopped in horror. He saw his name paired with Snape. It was rated NC-17.  
  
:: UG! What the heck goes on in these people's heads! Me and SNAPE?:: feeling sick, Harry continued to look. He felt like he was going to vomit.  
  
:: Draco, Sirius, Snape, Voldemort, Ron, Hermione, Percy, Oliver, Remus, Ginny… people daydream about me doing… well… erm… THAT stuff with THEM? I need to put a stop to this… but how? Hm…::  
  
  
  
Voldemort gave an angry growl. Stupid muggle invention. Why had he asked his Death Eaters to get one for him?  
  
These things called computers were quite frustrating indeed. He had finally managed to get onto the thing called 'internet'. It hadn't been easy though. Suddenly, a ringing 'deling' sound came from the screen, and a message said 'You have just received an Instant Message from SnidgetSeeker1. Would you like to accept?' Voldemort stared in confusion, cursing muggle inventions again. Carefully, he clicked the 'accept' button.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Voldemort? That you?  
  
You-Know-Who: Yes. And who is this?! I'll Avada Kedavra you!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: It's Harry Potter here.  
  
You-Know-Who: POTTER?! *evil laugh* I HAVE YOU NOW!  
  
Voldemort pointed his wand at Harry's screen name. "Avada Kedavra!" The light his the comp and bounced away harmlessly.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: … you do?  
  
You-Know-Who: What?! How can you still be there?!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: *sighs* Look, normally I wouldn't go to you for this sort of help, but I need someone who's messed up in the head enough to do something really crazy.  
  
You-Know-Who: LMAO! Why would I help YOU?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: I have a good reason. Look at this, they made us porn stars! Click this link. http://www.fanfiction.net/Books/HarryPotter/Harry+Voldemort/NC_17.pophp  
  
Raising his eyebrows in suspicion, Voldemort clicked the link. Ten minutes later, his fists were shaking in rage.  
  
You-Know-Who: That's utterly disgusting.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Agreed. We need to do something about it. That's only one of who knows how many!  
  
You-Know-Who: Don't worry over it. I'll see that it is stopped…  
  
You-Know-Who: has signed off  
  
"Death Eaters! I want to invade the Fanfiction.net HQ! We must have a… erm… heart to heart chat with some of the employees…"  
  
  
  
Harry leaned back in his chair and smiled. "One down, lots to go." He quickly scanned the buddy list, looking for Hermione's screen name. 


	2. Hermione

Hermione was sitting comfortably in her cushioned chair in front of her computer screen. :: The Internet is a wonderful source to learn about muggle's viewpoint on the myths and history of magic::, she thought. She blinked in surprise when a screen name, that she rarely ever saw, appeared on her screen.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hermione? Do you have a moment?  
  
Books_n_Brains: Sure, Harry. What's up?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Have you ever been to Fanfiction.net before?  
  
Books_n_Brains: Uh, no.  
  
Harry then launched into a full explanation of the site's purpose and many different –strange- pairings.  
  
Books_n_Brains: They have me paired with Draco? Snape? Ron? You?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Yeah, that's not all… *whistles*  
  
Books_n_Brains: What do you mean??  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: I've seen one or two with you paired with… um…  
  
Books_n_Brains: With who?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: With Ginny.  
  
Books_n_Brains: WHAT???!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!  
  
  
  
~*~ At the Fanfiction.net HQ~*~  
  
"Death Eaters! Remember! Not ONE escapes! They must suffer for the disgusting stories they post!"  
  
"Please sir!" one of the employees begged, "We don't post the stories! The authors do! We just work here!"  
  
"Well, I can't go after each and every author that's written about me, now can I? And I must take my rage out on SOMONE!" With that, Voldemort gave a spine chilling, high laugh, causing everyone in the room to shudder.  
  
"Boss!" the vice president of Fanfiction.net yelled into the phone.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"There are these crazy guys all dressed up in black killing everyone in the office. And some person who's cursing fluently has hacked into the website and is erasing all the Hermione/anyone pairings!"  
  
~*~ Back at Harry's~*~  
  
Harry gave a contented smile. True, this was being pretty mean, but these people deserved it. He directed his attention back to his buddy list. :: Now where's Ron?::  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Wow, I got more reviews on this story in less than 24 hours than I got in a month for my other fic. And they were positive too! I expected more flames than Hell possesses for this fic! Just to make it clear, I'm not writing this fic to make fun of, or put down, people who do write those kinds of fics. Whatever floats your boat, just write. I just thought it would be funny to see the reactions of the HP characters if they SAW the fics. Now, thanks goes out to:  
  
Mara456: Lol, glad to hear you like it. I really try to catch my grammar and spelling mistakes.  
  
Madame Mad: =^_^= Glad I could be of service!  
  
Rose Mary Black: I know the feeling, when ya need a short pointless funny one. You're quite welcome!  
  
Lioness Silence: Why thank you! Love the name, by the way.  
  
Maz: Glad to hear you see some of those pairings the way I do. It sorta sickens me to think of Harry/Sirius, Harry/Draco, etc. It's just wrong.  
  
Harriet: I had planned on stopping after chapter one, but thanks to you the story lives (is that a good or bad thing? o_O) lol, I'll keep writing as long as it's wanted.  
  
Skysong: YAY! I made someone laugh! I made someone laugh!  
  
Terra Evans: Aw, thanks!  
  
Bodie: Crazy stories due tend to be written by crazy people ;-)  
  
Abby: Ooo, the thing with Hermione sounds like a good thing to use for part of the ending… I like, I like…  
  
Cya soon! 


	3. Weasley's

Arthur Weasley was looking at his new purchase with pride. That's right folks. His over enthusiasm with muggles caught him. He had an electric wire and computer installed into his house, and he couldn't be prouder. Percy was standing in place, shaking his head and making 'tut tut' noises with his tongue. Mrs. Weasley was eying it suspiciously, and the trouble twins were already starting to scheme.  
  
"May I try it first dad? Harry or Hermione could be online," Ron said. Hermione had explained to him how to use a computer, and he was eager to try.  
  
"On what line?" Mrs. Weasley asked, looking shocked.  
  
"I mean on the internet?"  
  
"What's an enter net?"  
  
"…"  
  
"Sure, you can try it first," Arthur said, stepping aside. He watched with barely contained excitement as the computer whirred to life when Ron pushed the button. It made a few grinding sounds.  
  
"Is that thing… talking to us?" Percy asked, his eyes wide.  
  
"…" Ron decided it was best to remain silent. Fred and George gave a start at what happened next.  
  
"It's trying to tell us something!" Fred exclaimed as words appeared on the screen.  
  
"Macintosh… does it want us to find someone named Macintosh?" George asked. The whole Weasley family (except Ron) was now waiting with baited breath, watching the black screen closely to see what it would tell them next. Ron could barely contain his amusement. He double clicked on the icon that said "AOL 7.0". A mysterious voice came from the speakers saying 'Welcome, you've got mail!'  
  
Mrs. Weasley beamed at the screen. "Why thank you!" she said. Ron just shook his head, and snorted.  
  
"Now what do we do?" Arthur asked, itching to take a turn after Ron.  
  
"Well, we can use instant message," Ron explained.  
  
"Instant… Message…" Percy said the words slowly, trying them out.  
  
"What does it do?"  
  
"It lets you talk to your friends."  
  
"It transports them HERE?"  
  
"No… *sigh* you'll see in a moment."  
  
Ron had no sooner said that, when a 'deling' sound came from his screen. "Oh, that's Harry!"  
  
"Harry? Where?" Ginny squealed.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Ron! You got your new computer installed!  
  
ChudlxyCannons: Yxah! Dad just got it up!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Good, cause there's something important I need to tell you. Wait a second… Ron?  
  
ChudlxyCannons: Yxah?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: What's up with your spelling? Why aren't you using the letter 'e'?  
  
ChudlxyCannons: It's bustxd.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Oh… sorry. Anyway, Ron? You remember that website I told you about? The one where people write stories about us?  
  
ChudlxyCannons: Yxp! I was gonna go chxck it out! Why?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Well, some of them ARE about US.  
  
Once again, Harry launched into the long explanation and sent a link with an example. When he was done, Ron's face was as red as his hair. Arthur and Molly were fuming, Fred and George were doubled over with laughter, and Percy was muttering curses about muggle devices while covering Ginny's eyes.  
  
"I will not tolerate this!" Arthur declared, the glint in his eyes replaced by a burning angry flame. "All of you! Come now! To the Ministry!"  
  
"HAHAHA! Ickle Ronnykins is doing bad things with the boy who lived!" the twins howled.  
  
ChudlxyCannons: Harry! Frxd and Gxorge arx bxing buggxrs!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: I have something that'll shut them up…  
  
With that, Harry sent another link to Ron. When he clicked it, it was a fanfic romance between Fred and George. They shut up and stared at it in horror. It was Ron's turn to laugh.  
  
"I will not stand for anymore of this!" Arthur bellowed. "I want each of you in the flying car now! We will inform Minister Fudge about this IMMEDIATELY!" Ron signed off and followed his dad out the door.  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry grinned from ear to ear. He successfully angered Voldemort, Ron, and Hermione. It was time to move on to Sirius…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Note: And the insanity continues! Did anyone see the notice about the hardware being damaged at Fanfiction.net? Sounds like Voldemort and Hermione weren't fooling around with their destruction… hehe. I'm just asking to get myself kicked off fanfiction.net, aren't I? Thanks go out to:  
  
Aurra Sing: I'm glad you think it's funny! I was afraid it would be more stupid than funny, but looks like I found a balance!  
  
Sasori: Now I hafta go read your DNAngel fic! And yes, Hermione has figured out how to hack.  
  
JCM: Yes, I'm glad I'm not a fanfiction.net employee as well. And why does Voldemort want a computer? The world may never know…  
  
QueenofKink: More is on the way!  
  
Skye Rocket: I'm a genius? Cool! If only I could convince my parents…  
  
Psssst… if you reviewed and your name's not here, it's in the next chapter. So go read! lol  
  
Check again soon to see Sirius' reaction! Bye now! 


	4. Sirius and Remus

Sirius took a long sip of his coffee as he sat at his computer, searching the internet for the latest news. He was curious about whether he was still considered as a huge threat to the muggle community. Remus sat behind him, reading the articles that came up.  
  
"Looks like they forgot about you, Padfoot," Remus said, smiling.  
  
"Whew… at least I can step outside maybe for a few minutes to get some fresh air, hm Mooney?" Sirius responded. Sirius had moved in with Remus to hide out until Dumbledore needed him to fetch more people. For safeties sake, they had decided to purchase a house in a muggle town so that the chances of Sirius being caught were much slimmer.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Sirius? Is that you?  
  
MoonFoot: Harry! Good to hear from you! Yeah, it's me! Remus is here too.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Sirius, we have a problem.  
  
MoonFoot: What do you mean?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Click on this: UNDER THE FULL MOON  
  
Sirius clicked on the link. He and Remus waited, patiently, for the content to load. The first thing that Sirius saw was this:  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter peeps (mainly Sirius and Remus).  
  
"What?! Someone thinks they OWN us?" Sirius was starting to have a fit.  
  
Remus read on, blanched, and turned to Sirius. "Sirius, I think you missed the point. Harry's trying to show us that-"  
  
"Who do they think they are? Who the heck thinks they own us? That's totally unacceptable! I will not stand for this! I mean, for someone to even daydream about owning us is a complete crime!"  
  
Remus sat back and waited for five minutes to let Sirius finish his tirade. Sirius finally calmed down when the computer beeped at him.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Sirius? Sirius? Hello?  
  
MoonFoot: Sorry Harry. I was just so mad…  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: I understand. I mean, to have someone writing about you having an affair with your best friend would be very disturbing.  
  
Sirius paled.  
  
MoonFoot: Wha… What?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: *raises eyebrow* Didn't you read the whole thing?  
  
MoonFoot: No…  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: I suggest you read the whole thing.  
  
Sirius looked back at the fanfic before him.  
  
UNDER THE FULL MOON:  
  
a Remus Lupin/ Sirius Black slash. Male/Male romance.  
  
Sirius' face turned an angry shade of red. Remus' eyes widened.  
  
"Uh oh…"  
  
  
  
Harry watched the screen, waiting to see Sirius' reaction.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Sirius?  
  
MoonFoot: has signed off.  
  
MoonFoot: has signed on.  
  
MoonFoot: has signed off.  
  
MoonFoot: has signed on.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Sirius? What are you doing?  
  
MoonFoot: has signed off.  
  
MoonFoot: has signed on.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Sirius?  
  
MoonFoot: has signed off.  
  
MoonFoot: has signed on.  
  
MoonFoot: Sorry Harry.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: What happened?  
  
MoonFoot: This is Remus here. Sirius started shaking the computer screen, yelling at the fanfic to "get the hell out of the comp". He doesn't fully understand the fact that it's not a piece of paper behind a screen…  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: lol, I see.  
  
MoonFoot: We'll cya later, Harry. Sirius just charged out of the door… I think he's going to the Fanfiction.net HQ. I better go with him, just in case. I'll talk with you later!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: K, bye!  
  
MoonFoot: has signed off.  
  
  
  
::Well, that was interesting:: Harry thought. ::Now, on to Snape…::  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's note: Padfoot isn't too bright, eh? My thanks to:  
  
Micha: More you say? Okie, more you get!  
  
Phoenix Flames: You like the fic, I like your name (anything with Phoenix in it is the best). It's all good!  
  
Caitlin: *grins* yeah, they posted that the hardware had a failure, but they didn't say who was responsible *cough* Voldemort *cough*. Thanks for giving me your signature name! I'll check out your work as soon as I can!  
  
Gengi: Snape's reaction is comin soon, so check back, k?  
  
(insert blank spot here)- Yay! I'm a genius and I'm brilliant! This is a good day…  
  
Fire_Animagus_Entei- Why thank you, I'll continue for as long as I can come up with ideas.  
  
Supergal88- I can relate to that… I usually love the dramatic stories (I'm a sucker for the whole "Sirius rescues Harry from abusive relatives but then they get caught by Voldemort" routine) but sometimes you just need a break, ne?  
  
Lil' Juliet- LOL! Yes! I was just about to write the Snape chapter too! This is great! Ok, I'll add your suggestion in… Snape's gonna blow his top! ^_^  
  
Winchester PSI- Yes, I love it when characters have a bone to pick with authors… and Snape is in the next chapter. Our beloved potions master will have his share of shock and revenge as well…  
  
Mystical Witch- Sirius seemed to me like the sorta guy who'd lose his cool over something like that… Remus probably would have been a little more angry, except he was trying not to get hurt in Sirius' rampage. As for Snape, well, you'll see!  
  
Krista of StarTress- Sankyuu!  
  
Shooting Star- Yay! I'm a genius again! I feel so smart! *cough… cough cough*  
  
Harriet- Just click on the next chappie and your wish is granted!  
  
  
  
That's all for now, check in again to see how the Potions Professor, Snape, takes the news! 


	5. Snape

Snape was brooding over the glowing screen in front of him. He had run clean out of crushed newt eyes and boomslang skin. Diagon Alley's potion shop was completely out of ingredients, and he needed them NOW. He had explained his unfortunate predicament to Headmaster Dumbledore. To his disgust, Dumbledore told him to use a computer that had been installed in the Three Broomsticks to order it online (why is there an online service for potions ingredients? Don't ask me!) The thing that was making Snape the angriest, at the moment, was that every time he clicked on the link, the message ERROR came up. This highly confused the poor Professor, because he never made errors. why was the computer accusing him of a mistake? "Come on, you stupid muggle invention," Snape growled. He clicked the link again. ERROR. "What error did I make? Did I not click the link in the proper location? Perhaps I am clicking it too soon? Not soon enough?" Snape was turning the mysterious error predicament into a complicated science; typical. Snape did a double take when he saw a sudden message appear on the screen. 'You have received an instant message from SnidgetSeeker1. Would you like to accept?" "Fine," growled out Snape, and he sat and looked at the computer screen expectantly. Nothing happened. "I said, let me see the message!" Snape said, a bit louder. Still. nothing. "Show me my message!" Snape was now yelling at the screen. A few heads of people sitting at tables turned in the direction of the racket. Snape was too angry at this point to notice them. He drew his wand and pointed it threateningly at the computer screen. "REVEAL YOUR SECRETS TO ME!" he bellowed. The screen remained the same. Many people had quickly hurried out of his way, afraid that he'd gone mad and was going to turn his wand on everyone else. Suddenly, something caught Snape's eye. A button. yes, a square blue button with the word 'Accept' on it. Yes. was this possibly the way to reveal the message. He clicked the mouse ("Why the heck do muggles call these things 'mice'?") on the button.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hello  
  
Victory! Snape smirked, pleased now. This computer, strange as it was, was exactly like a Sphinx. That must be it. it gave out riddles, and in order to receive the messages that fate had assigned, he must figure out the riddle. He had triumphed over the computer, and no one could stand in his way of reading what was rightfully his now!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Um. hello?  
  
"Hello," Snape replied, calmly again. It suddenly occurred to him that perhaps the sender of the messages couldn't hear him. He glanced down and noticed buttons in a row with letters on them. He found the keyboard.  
  
SilverGreen: Greetings. What message do you bear?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Right. anyway, this is Harry Potter here.  
  
Snape felt the color drain from his cheeks.  
  
SilverGreen: Potter! How did you get inside this tiny box?! I demand you step out now and tell me what messages the computer holds!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Professor. you're scaring me. Anyway, I've IMd you to inform you of a serious situation.  
  
SilverGreen: IM?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: yes, Instant Message. Now anyway, do you want to know the situation or not?  
  
SilverGreen: I suppose if you already wasted ten minutes of my time, you might as well waste even more of it.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: How kind of you. Now, make sure you're sitting. This may come as a shock. Professor, people have been writing stories about us. They know all about our personalities, but they've twisted us around to be love crazed, or completely sappy, or totally dramatic. etc etc. I won't waste my time saying more. just look at this though.  
  
Snape saw a link appear on the screen. the link read SEVERITAS CHALLENGE. :: I will not receive an error message. I do not make errors. This time, link, I shall conquer!:: Snape clicked the link. Text appeared before him. He read the words; his sharp quick eyes taking in each of them. His jaw dropped in horror.  
  
SilverGreen: Me. your father. *hyperventilates*  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Yeah. I told you it was bad. It gets worse too. I won't go into detail.  
  
SilverGreen: Potter. I mean, Harry. er. Whatever. I'm your. your. FATHER?!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hm? What are you talking about?  
  
SilverGreen: Don't act like you don't know! I'll have you know, I never had. I never slept. I didn't do THAT with Lily ever! I couldn't possibly be your father!  
  
Harry blinked a few times in confusion. He scrolled up the screen and reread some of it. Then it dawned on him.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Professor. you missed the point entirely. You see, you aren't really my father, but stories are being written where you are my father.  
  
Snape took a moment to let this new news sink in. He felt his blood boiling. His hair became heavier as grease began to expand. His usually pale face was becoming an angry purple.  
  
SilverGreen: Potter. tell me, right this second. where is this place?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: What, Fanfiction.net?  
  
Snape's lip curled up in a sneer. Fanfiction.net. :: I'll just go have a heart to heart with the boss of the company:: Snape thought, evilly. Images of him cuddling Harry were still replaying sickeningly through his head.  
  
SilverGreen: Potter, you had better hope that the information you managed to attain is plausible and correct. If not, Gryffindor will be in the negative points zone until Spring Break! And by the way, you have a detention!  
  
Snape stalked away from the computer, and with his robes billowing, he marched out the door.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Professor? Professor? Hello? You there?  
  
Harry watched the screen for a moment. Finally convinced that Snape was gone, he crossed the name off the list and moved to the next name. :: Oliver Wood.::  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's note: Poor Sevvie. I was really mean to him, wasn't I? Anyway, I already have the next chapter ready, but I'm gonna be mean and wait to post it till I think it's the right time. hehehehahahahahahaHaHaHaHaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *chokes* Right. And thanks go out to:  
  
Alisa: Thanks! I know you couldn't read the rest of the chapters at the time since Fanfiction.net was fritzing out *innocent smile*.  
  
Emily: Agreed! They make me sick  
  
C-chan AKA Sailor Capricorn- Lol, sorry, I wrote this before looking at the reviews. Oh, btw, in the end of the next chappie, I have an offer for readers where you can request a chapter for a character. Would you like to see a chappie with Lockhart? Thought I'd just offer! ^_^  
  
Amy- All these nice reviews are making me blush!  
  
FoxieGirl- The sign off/sign on thing for some reason seemed so. so. Sirius! And, since whatever Ron has is usually busted in someway, why not have the comp be busted? Hehehe. True, it is Voldemort and Hermione's fault fanfiction.net was down, but don't forget Sevvie, and Sirius, and Hagrid, and Draco, and all the other fun people who are gonna avenge their titles in future chappies!  
  
Lady FoxFire: Sevvie has computer issues. not to mention comprehension ones, doesn't he? *evil grin*  
  
Relle: Harry feels motivated from your support and therefore will continue to anger people until he feels satisfied!  
  
Otterfudge- *blushes even deeper and wipes a tear away* I got onto a favorites list? Yay! I might be nice and post the next chappie soon after all!  
  
Ksha2222 aGoddess On Her Knees: Breathe! You must live! *hands you a tissue for the tears and a band-aid for the banged head* I hope I can continue to please! Peace out!  
  
Anriko- Don't worry, Draco hasn't been forgotten! He's gonna come after Hagrid. who's gonna come after Wood. so he'll be in the eight chappie. It should be interesting!  
  
Check back soon to see Wood's reaction. and I promise you, there's a bit of an unexpected twist. 


	6. Wood

Oliver Wood was currently at his grandparent's house. His Grandpa was a wizard, but his Grandma was a muggle, so their home was sort of a combination of both worlds. Normally, Oliver would (A/N: Oliver would. Oliver wood. Hehe, get it? It's funny! Maybe not.) be playing Quidditch. Unfortunately, he had been knocked off his broom by two bludgers at once. He had a broken leg, and until his Grandpa could find a medi witch, he had to heal the muggle way. Out of boredom, Oliver had created an sn and learned how to use a computer. He had found the Harry Potter Official Website, and was having a blast playing computer Quidditch. "YES! WE ARE GRYFFINDOR! WE SHALL WIN!" he was hollering at the screen, just as he managed to block another shot.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hey, Oliver? That you?  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: Yes. how did you know? Who are you? I LOVE YOUR SCREEN NAME!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: I knew because you're the only person I know who'd have a screen name like this, plus, you have your name in your profile. This is Harry Potter, and thanks for the complement on my screen name.  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: HARRY! YOU-ARE-THE-BEST-SEEKER- EVA!!!!!!!! HAIL GRYFFINDOR!!!!!!!!!! WE SHALL TRIUMPH!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: That's really nice, Oliver, but we have more important things to talk about! Have you ever been to Fanfiction.net?  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: I SAID BURRRRRRRRRRRR! IT'S COLD IN HERE! THERE MUST BE SOME LIONS IN THE ATMOSPHERE! I SAID BURRRRRRR! IT'S COLD IN HERE! THERE MUST BE SOME LIONS IN THE ATMOSPHERE!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Oliver, cut that out. Look, at Fanfiction.net, people have been writing some stories about us. Mostly, private stories if you get my meaning. It's wrong! It's humiliating! It's sick!  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: *chants* I ALWAYS BLOCK THE SCORES! I PLAY FOR GRYFFINDOR! I AM THE CAPTAIN WOOD! MY PLAYERS ARE ALL GOOD! WE WILL BEAT SLYTHERIN! FOR THEY COULD NEVER WIN! WE FLY UP IN THE AIR! ADMIRERS ALL STARE!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Oliver! Stop! We need to do something about this! They have no right to write about us like that!  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: *sings to the tune of America the Beautiful* Oh Gryffindor. how brave art thee. better than Slytherin. With robes of gold. and scarlet proud. who always strive to win! Oh, Gryffindor! Oh, Gryffindor! Godric's always with thee! Thou art, so good! My name is Wood! The captain of thy team!!!!!!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: OLIVER! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: *calmly* Harry, Harry, Harry. I have read every word you've typed. I understand your words completely, but.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: But what?  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: You can't let every little thing get to you. People will write about us, and not always in a positive manner. You need to view life as a Quidditch game. Sure, a few bludgers may come along and try to get the better of us, but as long as you get that golden snitch in the end, it will be ok.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Wow. that actually sounded intelligent.  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: You see, Harry, all of us have the power of self control in us and lajdlfjlajfldjaf l akjdf;ljafsljl.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Huh? What was that last part?  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: MY GRANDPA'S HOME WITH THE MEDI WITCH! SHE CAN HEAL ME! I CAN PLAY. QUIDDITCH AGAIN! FAREWELL, MY STAR SEEKER! WE WILL MEET AGAIN ON THE QUIDDITCH PITCH!  
  
Quidditch+Me=Life: has signed off  
  
Harry leaned back in his chair and gave a frustrated sigh. Oliver hadn't really been affected, apparently. :: Oh well. five out of six isn't too bad I guess. Time to tell Hagrid.::  
  
  
  
  
  
Author Note: Well, Wood's just slightly obsessed with Quidditch, eh? Ok, I have some issues to post here, so read and add the answers into your review if you want to.  
  
A: I want to keep this fic alive as long as possible before I write the grand finale. So, if any of you have any HP characters that you'd like to see the reaction to that you haven't seen so far, mention them in a review and I'll write a chappie for them. Before you ask, yes, Draco Malfoy will get his own too. But if anyone wants to see anyone else, please let me know.  
  
B: When this is over, would you like me to write a sequel?  
  
C: If you want a sequel, what do you want the theme to be? I could think of a few themes myself, but I first want to see what you all would like to read. If you have a good idea, and I use it, I'll give you a Popsicle. Not really, but you'll get full credit for the genius idea anyway.  
  
D: Ok, as I've mentioned more than once, I do love the Harry gets adopted type fics. I'm a sap. So, if anyone knows a good Sirius gets Harry fic, or even a Snape gets Harry fic please tell me about it! I also like Harry gets turned into a little kid type fics.  
  
Ok, now on to my thanks section. Thanks go out to:  
  
Me123: Yeah, so far Snape was my favorite. I'm hoping that the Final few chapters will have a similar effect.  
  
C-chan: *grins* Would you like me to do Lockhart? Ooo, that would be interesting.  
  
??? Gurl: *laughs* Yes! Ok, I'll work on Lockhart soon, and I'll also take your suggestion ^_^ Everyone who's reading this, remember! Give C-chan and ??? Gurl a big thank you for the Lockhart chapter's existence!  
  
Skye Rocket: lol, don't worry, Harry will leave your fanfics alone. I already had planned on doing Draco, but Dumbledore. hm, now there's an interesting thought.  
  
Ksha2222 aGoddess on her knees: You might not be so far off on your Wood idea. keep that in mind as the end of the story approaches ^_~  
  
Stardust-diva: Thanks! If you have a character idea for a chapter, be sure to let me know!  
  
KAnDy (aka Lightning): Wow, what you did was really kewl! Thanks for e- mailing a review when the review thing was down. It really means a lot to me, and it really helped to motivate me. If there is a sequel to this fanfic, it's gonna be dedicated to you as a reward! (I'll also dedicate it to whoever gives the idea, so it'll have two special people ^_^)  
  
If I get 60 reviews, Hagrid's chapter will come up. If I get something over 60, I'll make the chapter twice as long by joining Hagrid and Draco's into one chapter! So please review! 


	7. Hagrid and Malfoy

~*Fanfiction.net HQ*~  
  
"Boss! They're still here!" the vice president yelled, his voice panicked, into the phone. "There's this tall guy that looks like a goth with really greasy hair that's forcing people to drink this kind of drink! He called it a potion or something! And there's this other guy with black hair that keeps turning into a dog to bite people with this other guy who keeps trying to hold him back! And there's a bunch of red heads that keep breaking the computers! Well, one of them actually keeps admiring them, some balding guy, but the others and wrecking them! And the hacker found the building too, and she's deleting files from the main computer! And that freaky snake guy with his masked goons are still killing people, and there's a bunch of other guys from the Ministry of something that keep arresting people!!!!!! It's insanity!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"It's too late! No one can save you!" Voldemort shrieked over the commotion.  
  
"What the heck is going on down there?!" the boss yelled into his phone. "It's your job to keep things under control!"  
  
"But boss, they have these weird stick things that shoot glowing beams and- "  
  
"Never mind! I'm going to call the police!"  
  
~*Harry's computer*~  
  
Harry tried not to feel too crestfallen about Wood's attitude towards the situation at hand. ::Oh well, I know plenty of people who'll care enough to want to do something.::  
  
He quickly scanned his buddy list for Hagrid's screen name.  
  
~*Hagrid's Hut*~  
  
"See here, Fang? 'Tis a compu'er, yeh know. I'll get me a dragon from th' enter web. Or was it enter net? What'ver." Hagrid was about to begin his search for dragons on ebay, when a screen name appeared on his screen. "Blimey! Now oo would be IMin me now?"  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hagrid! You got your computer installed!  
  
DragonsRfriends: Yep! Bought it meself. Wanted to look at abby.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Abby?  
  
DrangonsRfriends: Yeh know, that website where yeh can get tings.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Oh, Ebay. Hagrid, I really need to talk to you for just a few minutes. Something bad's happening.  
  
DragonsRfriends: Really now? Best be tellin' me then.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hagrid, there's a website called Fanfiction.net. Some of the people write really mean stories about us; stories that are offending. I can't really explain it well, but I had the displeasure of seeing one of you paired with. um.  
  
DragonsRfriends: Paired wit oo?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: See for yourself. Click here: RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT  
  
Confusion etched over Hagrid's face as he clicked the link. He read the summary under the title.  
  
Ever wonder why Tom Riddle decided to have Hagrid of all people expelled, years ago? This story explains the true reason why Riddle went out of his way to torture Hagrid.  
  
Hagrid read a little further and froze in shock.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hagrid? Are you ok?  
  
DragonsRfriends: 'Arry! They made me 'ave an affair wit Riddle?!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Yes, Hagrid. I'm sorry.  
  
And the Niagara Falls suddenly were relocated to Hagrids eyes. He cried and wailed, throwing his massive, giant body onto the table infront of him. Huge droplets of water splashed everywhere, drenching his beard.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hagrid? Hagrid? Please respond, Hagrid! I know it's bad, but we can fix it!  
  
Hagrid through his head into his arms and cried hysterically, pounding the table top with his arm.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hagrid, we can't just let people write like that. They've hurt us, and they need to pay. Don't just sulk Hagrid, we need to do something about this. It's time to take a stand.  
  
DragonsRfriends: *sniffles* Yer righ', 'Arry. I can' jus' sit here an' blubber.I'm gonna go ter dat place and show 'em what fer!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Good for you Hagrid!  
  
And the Niagara Falls went dry.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Hagrid, can I ask you a favor?  
  
DragonsRfriends: Course 'Arry!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Could you somehow get Malfoy over there so I can tell him some of the same stuff?  
  
DragonsRfriends: Sure thing, I'll try fer ya.  
  
DragonsRfriends: has signed off  
  
  
  
~*Harry's Room*~  
  
Harry sat infront of the computer, impatiently. He had been waiting for Hagrid to get Draco online for an hour now. Just then, a screen name appeared on his list of possibilities. a screen name that left Harry fuming with anger.  
  
SnidgerSeeker1: MALFOY! YOU ARE SUCH A COPY CAT!  
  
SnidgetSeeker2: What?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: DON'T PLAY INNOCENT WITH ME, MALFOY! YOU'RE SO PATHETIC!  
  
SnidgetSeeker2: Look, for one thing, my name isn't Malfoy, it's Tod. Secondly, you are taking this RPG thing way too seriously.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Wait. you aren't Malfoy?  
  
SnidgetSeeker2: No. Later, weirdo.  
  
SnidgetSeeker2: has signed off  
  
Harry, feeling thoroughly embarrassed, sat back in his chair again waiting. He didn't need to wait long, however, for a screen name appeared on his screen.  
  
MudBludH8ter: This had BETTER be worth my time, Potter.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Malfoy?  
  
MudBludH8ter: That's right, and you'd better make this quick. This big oaf of a teacher came to my mansion and practically dragged me out! Right in the middle of one of my manicures too!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: TMI  
  
MudBludH8ter: TMI?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Too much info.  
  
MudBludH8ter: Whatever, Potter. Just get on with it already.  
  
Harry decided he'd just better tell. He knew that with the way Draco said his name (spit flying from his mouth at every 'P' word), Hagrid's computer screen was probably already covered with a layer of spit.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Fine. Draco, stories are being written about us. Some are actually about US. There are many a slash romance between us and many other gross things of that nature.  
  
~*Hagrid's Hut*~  
  
Draco rubbed at the computer screen with his sleeve, trying to see through all the spit that he had created while saying Harry. no, Potter's name. His jaw dropped at what he read.  
  
MudBludH8ter: WHAT?! That's nauseating! Ooo, wait until I tell my father! He'll get them good, oh yes he will! Stupid Muggle filth! Writing stories about things that they couldn't even possibly understand! MAY VOLDEMORT KILL THEM ALL!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: You really didn't get much attention as a little kid, did you?  
  
MudBludH8ter: Shut up, Potter! I'll have you know, Potter, that if your stupid Potter parents hadn't been their Potter selves and blown up, then the whole world we be controlled by Voldemort and you stupid Potters would be-  
  
Draco had to stop his tirade there, for the whole computer had been drenched in his spit. He attempted to type, only to have the computer shock him. Turning furiously to Hagrid, he growled out.  
  
"Where is this place?"  
  
"Fanfiction.net?"  
  
"Take me there! Now, you oaf!"  
  
  
  
~*Harry's Room*~  
  
Harry had successfully angered two people in one session. It was time to move on to someone who was currently in St. Mungo's. Lockhart.  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Note: AHHHHH I'm sorry that took so long! First I had writer's block, then the comp wouldn't work for me! I know this chappie is far from being my best, but certain characters I have an easier time writing about than others. I so far like either Snape or the Weasley's the best. hm. I can already promise that Lockhart's will bee better than this one; my heart just wasn't into it this time for some reason. Thank you to all of you who reviewed!  
  
mnemosyne: thanks for the compliment, and in answer to your question, we're all muggles right? *glares at everyone to make sure they agree*. Well, how do WE know about Harry Potter? *grins*  
  
Allie: Good! The whole point is to make people laugh!  
  
LilyPotter: Yeah, I like Snape's too. Thanks for the recommendation, I'll check out your fic soon!  
  
lazydaisy: lol, thanks! Btw, I'm crazy too, so, it's all good!  
  
Kaylin: For some reason, I had a harder time with Malf. Draco. Dunno why, just must not be in the right mindset for it right now. *shrugs*  
  
Freakylilperson: Withdrawl isn't fun. I'll try to post more for your sake. Hehe  
  
her life was magazines: You'll kill me with a fork? Sounds painful. guess I'd better keep updating!  
  
Lilyanna: In light of the fact that Mr. Snuggums has made his threat quite clear, Lockhart is next! I'm still deciding over whether he should have his memory or not though. hm. maybe I could mix it somehow.  
  
*insert blank space here*: Thanks, you're right, that really is a good fanfic! I've discovered I like almost all of that talented author's stories!  
  
boobookitty: Lockhart it is! I as you requested, I'll do Dumbledor and McGonagall. I agree with you on the anti Dumbledor/McGonagall thing. I might combine them into a chappie, though I'm not sure yet.  
  
Deity: You're the first person who's suggested doing the Dursley's! I'm gonna take you up on that one, cause I've found a way how it can lead to the final chapters of this fic. So, they'll be the last ones to know, but all the same, they will find out. And also, more will come soon, I promise!  
  
LoveHayden: Sirius just seems like the kind of guy who'd act like that after being done recuperating from Azkaban. Hehe, thanks for all of the complements, and as you requested, look for a Neville one in the future!  
  
C-chan: Thank you for all of your reviews! ^_^ I like your ideas for the sequels, I'll be playing around with those ideas for a while! Hehe.  
  
Endriago Luna: sorry, I couldn't do those little x like symbols. heh. And also, you said it right! Yes, I did take the format of Wood's cheers from Bring it On. Dean and Seamus will appear, as you requested, in later chappies!  
  
PerfectPrefect: Lol, I'll check out the fanfiction as soon as I'm done typing these reviews!  
  
Marie: The Weasley's were one of my favs too! I'll try to add chapter quicker now, I promise!  
  
Gengi: Why, thank you! It's not likely that they'd all get their computers the same day, but, it's a story! What do ya expect? Heh  
  
Koku: Sankyuu very much!  
  
stardust-diva: A returning reviewer! Good idea about Marcus Flint. He'll get his own chappie ^_^  
  
Mihoshe: As you saw in the e-mail, I gave you permission to use the fic. Love your website, you have a beautiful collection of fanfics!  
  
Is_insane: Lol, good ideas! Ok, Trelawney, Crabbe, Goyle, and Krum haven't been mentioned yet so I'll try to see if I can come up with one for them. I also might be able to tie together the JK Rowling and HP people see the movie idea into one. *starts planning*  
  
Asteria: Reeta Skeeter! And the list gets longer.  
  
Liyah: Ooo, such flattery! Don't worry, I'm not gonna leave this one mid finished. It will have an ending!  
  
WAYAMY27NARF: hehe, poor Snape seemed to have the most difficulty with a comp, eh?  
  
lala: wow, lots of people. Some of them, like Katie Bell, don't have as much char info, so that'd be hard to pull off. Filch is good though, so he'll have one, and also James and Lily, or maybe the MWPP gang. Cho probably too! Wow, I'm sure gonna be busy writing!  
  
QueenStrata: Moody it is! Hehe, I'm gonna be mean to him.  
  
Yuffie-Girl: I dunno what other category I could do this in!  
  
Nory: I've sorta heard about the message boards, but I've never seen one. What are they like?  
  
Lily of the Valley: Wow, you write long reviews! *happy dance* I'm glad you liked those! Thanks for the recommendations for fics to read, and your suggested characters will appear in later chappies!  
  
Confuzzler: I know they're kinda OOC, but I had to.er. stretch their personalities to make this work, heh. Fudge. now THERE'S an idea. *evil smirk*  
  
Terra Evans: Thanks!  
  
Wow, those were a lot of reviews! Next chapter will come out as soon as there are at least 100, and I mean as soon! I already have it ready, but I'm not gonna post it yet, so ha! Remember, your review will contribute to how soon the next chappie comes! Cya for now!  
  
-Mars Raven 


	8. Lockhart

Lockhart scowled as he looked into the mirror. Something wasn't right; he could sense it. Something was VERY wrong. This was something that was so serious, so huge, and so extremely important, that if it wasn't rectified, it would throw the entire universe off its course, as we know it. Suddenly, it hit him! No, not literally.  
  
"My curlers!" Lockhart shrieked, pitifully, "where ARE my pink curlers? I'm missing my trademark golden curl in the front!" He rummaged hopelessly through the drawers, trying to see a hint of hot neon pink somewhere.  
  
From the corner in the room, his computer beeped, signaling an instant message.  
  
"Ooo goody! Maybe an old fan of mine has decided to contact me!"  
  
Lockhart had been proven a fraud a little over two years ago, but that didn't mean that he had lost popularity. Actually, after the memory charm had been cast (from Ron's broken wand), the Ministry said that there was no proof against him and he was let off the hook. Lockhart, from that day forth, regularly took a memory potion, twice a day, in order to retain his old memories. And he definitely remembered that he enjoyed fan attention. He ran across the thick lavender carpet and sat down in the pouf chair by the computer screen.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: *sighs* Lockhart?  
  
SparkleSmile: Yes! How may I help you, young fan? Would you like an autograph?  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: No.  
  
SparkleSmile: How about I send you some pics?  
  
Harry's eyes widened in horror.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: NO! Lockhart, this is Harry Potter here.  
  
SparkleSmile: Potter?  
  
Lockhart strained his tiny memory to attempt to remember where he heard that name before. ::Oh yes, he's that little guy that tries to be famous:: he thought. He didn't even remember the fact that Harry was the reason why he was banned from writing anymore books ("but my public loves me!")  
  
SparkleSmile: Yes, yes, why hello Harry! Would you like any tips on how to make your teeth shine all pretty? How about techniques on cuticle maintenance?  
  
Harry blanched.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: No. Mr. Lockhart, have you ever been to fanfiction.net before?  
  
SparkleSmile: Why, yes, I do believe I have!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Ok. Have you read any pairings?  
  
SparkleSmile: Uh huh!  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Which ones?  
  
SparkleSmile: Ooo, well I've seen Harry Potter paired with everyone, Hermione Granger paired with everyone, Ron Weasley paired with everyone, Snape, Voldemort, Dumbledor, McGonagall, Wood, Lockhart, Black.  
  
The list continued on, and Lockhart seemed completely oblivious to the fact that he'd mentioned his own name.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: So, aren't you mad that someone put you in their fanfic?  
  
SparkleSmile: No, not really.  
  
This took Harry by complete surprise. He decided to try a different angle.  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Well, did you know that none of them mentioned your Witch Weekly 5 time winning smile?  
  
SparkleSmile: *splutters* What? They didn't mention that at all?! Did they say how toned my body was?" (A/N: Courtesy of Padfoot rocks! You rock!)  
  
SnidgetSeeker1: Afraid not. And they never will, either.  
  
Those words did the trick. Lockhart now had a mission. He rose from the computer, being careful not to break one of his perfectly kept toe nails, and he marched over to his bedside stand. There, lying innocently for all to see, were the most important things in Lockhart's life: Pink curlers. He snatched them, did his hair up, put a hair net on, and fled from the room. He was ready to be a true hero; no copying someone else's story. This time, he'd be the hero.  
  
~*Fanfiction.net HQ*~  
  
"Bloody good job, Fred!" George hollered as Fred smashed another comp.  
  
"All of you weirdo's, this is your last warning! We just called the policemen, and-" "Please-men! Oh, I've always wanted to see what they do!" Arthur exclaimed, happily. Before anyone else could say anything more, the door burst open dramatically.  
  
"PRETTY BOY ACTION MAN IS HERE!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's note: *sighs and rubs forehead* well, I hafta say it might be a little bit before I update again. I haven't been as in to this as before, and I just need to wait and let myself get excited over it again. Recently, I got thrown from a horse while I was riding, and I hit my head hard. I'm on amnesia/concussion watch, though I doubt I have either. This head ache isn't making it any easier to write though.  
  
PLEASE READ THIS! If you would like your name to be mentioned in one of the final chapters, tell me! I'll tell you this much, it has something to do with Wood, but you would get to be in the story with Wood! That's all I can say, but please tell me in a review if you'd like to be mentioned.  
  
Also, the permanent last chapter will be called Thus Spoke the Raven. It's gonna be my challenges list, so don't confuse it for being a chappy. Ok, it's thanks time to the reviewers!  
  
  
  
angered. fairy. the. CoRrUpTeD: I've decided to go with the Lily and James thing. I'm still debating over either past James and Lily or present. I might do both. As for Fanfiction.net, well, you'll see what happens to it! ^_^  
  
robin: I know, poor Xing! Here he is, doing his best to make everything better for us, yet he's being attacked. *sighs* At least he survives, right?  
  
Queen of the Tinfoil Fish: Cho order has been taken, and as for sugar, it's a good thing!  
  
Moonlight Lily: Dumbledor's next! I might do both him and McGonagall in one chappy. and I also have a good idea for Dumbledor, so hopefully it'll be better than this chapter was.  
  
Crystal Blue of Ravenclaw: How do you get Harry to listen to you? He never listens to me! *sniffles*  
  
Shell: Moody. hm, I'll hafta think up one for him!  
  
Llybian: DOBBY! Lol! I hadn't even thought of him! Ok, yeah, that's a good idea!  
  
ksha2222: *pats back sympathetically* there there now, breathe! Did I say earlier that sugar was a good thing? Hm. maybe there should be a dosage on it, hehe. In answer to number one, sure, number two, no, number three, no, and number four, you guys have fun, I'll sit here and try to keep Harry under control!  
  
Lilyanna: Tell Mr. Snuggums that McGonagall is coming up next! *eyes Mr. Snuggums warily* And Lucius is also now on the list!  
  
suchi: The Fanfiction.net HQ will have a HUGE part in the end, so I think you'll like the grand finish!  
  
C-chan: Sorry this took so long, but as I said, the head injury happened and I was banned from writing until I got relatively better. I broke a finger and also dislocated my hip, but I'm better now! ^_^ Lol, wasn't Padfoot's review genius?  
  
Kaylin: Ok! I'm writing! *blows on steaming fingers*  
  
Queen Strata: I'm sorry that this chapter isn't exactly good too. I Do have plans for Dumbledor's though. it looks promising so far!  
  
Padfoot Rocks: Good quote! You rock! I also LOVE what you're doing with The Lion's Serpent! Since you gave the ok, I might have Harry find your fanfic, or someone find it, but don't worry! Nothing bad will happen to it! Or you! *innocent smile*  
  
treachery89: Thanks! The whole point is to give someone a quick laugh, so at least it's fulfilling its purpose! And SnidgetSeeker2 really was Tod. He might come back for some random reason as well.  
  
Confuzzler: Sometimes, the best things in life are the scary things ;)  
  
Della C: Fish to you, Della! Fish to you!  
  
Liyah: I promise, if you were almost in tears with those chapters, the ending will really get ya!  
  
Yuffie-girl: Write more? K. More, more, more, more, more, more, more. oh wait, you don't mean literally. oops.  
  
Silvertenshi: Glad to hear it!  
  
rocker8991: EVERYONE READ THIS! THIS IS THE FIRST FLAME! WE CAN FINALLY HAVE A ROAST! *pokes flame with poker stick and roasts a hotdog* Ok, now my response. My question is, who cares how they got the comps or why they have them? You're looking at this with an analytical point of view (as I do with most stories). This has no purpose, plot, or depth. It's just supposed to make people laugh. If you're tired of the complicated drama, this is the escape route. I'm sorry you were disappointed, but you really need to not worry about facts when it comes to randomness and comedy. In this genre, facts have absolutely no purpose.  
  
missblack89: *bows lowly* sankyuu!  
  
Ditto2001: I'll write until I decide enough's enough!  
  
Katzztar: Yeah, I figured wizards would try talking to it. I mean, why shouldn't they?  
  
Fickle: *dances happily* Thanks! Looks like the next chappy will need to come out soon.  
  
Caryn: Sorry about the chapter delay, I'll try to be more consistent!  
  
starzinluv: Wow, thanks for all of your reviews! I'll consider your idea! Hm, Lockhart might work, later on. *thinks*  
  
*whew* That's it! Man, that took me half an hour! I'll be back soon with Dumbledor and McGonagall! Later peeps!  
  
-Mars Raven 


	9. Dumbledor and McGonagall

Harry ran his fingers through his messy hair nervously. He was currently standing outside the Headmaster's office door, debating on how to break the news to him best. He had decided to talk to him, face to face, rather than over a computer.  
  
Harry had taken his firebolt and invisibility cloak and flown to London. From there, he found the Leaky Cauldron, and used the fireplace to floo powder over to Hogwarts. Currently, he was pondering what Dumbledor would do about the situation, whether he should really show him the papers he had printed of the offensive fanfics, and whether boxers or briefs are the best. He shook his head to clear that last thought.  
  
To his surprise, the Gargoyle suddenly sprang to life and hopped aside. Standing before him was Dumbledor. The wizened wizard was smiling fondly at him.  
  
::I wonder if there's anything he doesn't know sometimes:: Harry thought. Nothing seemed to surprise this man. Dumbledor motioned Harry into his office.  
  
"Hello Harry", Dumbledor greeted. "Take a seat. Could I interest you in a lemon drop?"  
  
"Er, no thanks," Harry replied. After a few moments of silence (filled with Dumbledor stuffing down lemon drops), Harry decided to breach the topic of his visit.  
  
"Professor Dumbledor, I came here because-"  
  
"I know, Harry I know."  
  
"Sir, we-"  
  
"Relax my boy, relax. It's ok. I know why you're here."  
  
"You do?" Harry asked, sounding shocked. He quickly got over his shock as he remembered that Dumbledor knew everything.  
  
"Actually, I don't know. Enlighten me."  
  
Harry took a moment to get over this new shock, and then finally related his story to Dumbledor. He felt himself choking up with emotion; waves of sorrow washed over him as he told the tail of ultimate evil. He paused, unable to continue, after he told Dumbledor of the horror that Sirius had to endure, along with Remus.  
  
"Harry, you need to tell me," Dumbledor encouraged. "Believe me. If I thought it would be better for you to wait and tell me later, then I'd let you stop there. But it won't get better until you tell me all of it."  
  
His strength renewed, Harry once again delved into the horror tale. He stopped after he told Dumbledor about the fics that had been written about him and McGonagall, him and Poppy, Severus, and pretty much the rest of the school staff. He sat back, feeling relieved that it was over, and waited for the Headmaster's reply. After a few seconds went by, he chanced to look up. Dumbledor was contentedly un-sticking two lemon drops.  
  
"Um, sir? Is there anything we should do about it?"  
  
"What? Oh yes, yes, the situation at hand. Well, Harry, there is no reason to become despondent. We also must not emulate their actions. Their fallacious writing must be dealt with, but we must remain placate. To alleviate our feelings and rectify the morose concoctions, we must keep our wits about us. We shouldn't do this for adulation, and this must not happen to tersely. I do guarantee, though the in the end, the result will be prolific." Dumbledor sat back, seemingly satisfied with his speech.  
  
Harry paused a moment, then questioned him. "Is that some long, cryptic message that I won't understand until I'm older?"  
  
"No Harry. I just simply didn't know what to say, so, I just inserted big words where they seemed to fit. I do not know the definition of half of them."  
  
"Oh," said Harry. He tried again. "So, you're saying, we should fight them?"  
  
Dumbledor smiled and nodded at Harry's understanding. "Yes. We should." He turned to the fireplace, threw in some floo powder, and called for Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Yes headmaster?"  
  
"Professor, a word if you will."  
  
"All right", she said, frowning. She stepped into the office.  
  
"Prolific," Dumbledor said, simply.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Prolific. That's the word, prolific. What does it mean?"  
  
"Oh. Uh, I believe it means fruitful."  
  
"Thank you, Professor," Dumbledor said, feeling even wiser than before.  
  
"Albus?" Minerva started, "Why is Mr. Potter here? Is something wrong?"  
  
"Alas, I believe so, my dear professor," Dumbledor said, sadly. The usual twinkle in his light blue eyes was now replaced by a cold fury. He told McGonagall the tragic tale, almost word for word exactly like Harry had. Harry was still in his chair, now stroking Fawks, trying to block out bad image after bad image. When Dumbledor had finished, and shown McGonagall the papers, she was in a shocked silence. The silence didn't last long, unfortunately.  
  
"WHO WASTES THEIR TIME THINKING OF SUCH NONSENCE!? IT'S INSANE! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! UG, PEOPLE THESE DAYS!!!!!" Harry buried himself deeper in the chair cushion, in fear of being transfigured into a toad.  
  
"Professor, I do believe we should correct this injustice. Will you accompany me to the fanfiction.net HQ?"  
  
"Yes. Of course, headmaster," Minerva said, still looking flustered. All three of them left the office, and stopped outside the infirmary.  
  
"Harry, I must ask you to stay in here for a little while to recover. Poppy?" Dumbledor called, "will you please give Mr. Potter here some dreamless sleep potion, then move him into a more comfortable room?"  
  
"Yes sir," she replied after she came bustling in. Harry drank a potion, then, knew no more.  
  
  
  
A/N: Sorry, not much McGonagall there. I'm still a bit out of wack from the accident. Hopefully, it'll go away. So far, the list of who's gonna be used in the grand final is as follows:  
  
1.Gryf_Gal  
  
2. Galadriel Weasley  
  
3. Liyah  
  
4. MaryChristmas  
  
5. ksha2222  
  
6. C-chan  
  
7. Hermione Joanne Potter  
  
8. Ronnikins-Gurl  
  
Also, fanfics found so far will be:  
  
1. Last Chance  
  
2. Lion's Serpent  
  
READ THIS! If you would like to be included in these lists, and be mentioned in the end as a character, then say so in a review! Now, thanks goes to:  
  
Merle Charton: lol, ok! I'm writing! *starts on chappy ten*  
  
seifuku-tennotsukai: *gasps* Oh no, you fainted! *panics and starts checking for pulse and breathing* *whew* you'll live! *wonders when you'll wake up*  
  
Gryf_Gal: heh, it would be fun to fake amnesia, but I'd get into a heck of a lot of trouble. As for Pretty Boy Action Man (aka PBAM (pronounced "Pabam!")) I have plans for his role! Also, you'll be in the final chapters as you requested!  
  
Galadriel Weasley: Thank you! And you'll be added to the final chapters too!  
  
Reania: Ok, during the big ending, you're fanfic will be found! *hands you a box of tissues for the tears*  
  
Liyah: Sankyuu! But don't look to me as a hero, look to Pabam! (if you don't get that, then read Gryf_Gal's response, lol) You're also now in the story!  
  
lightprincess: thank you!  
  
MaryChristmas: hehe, I like your name! And sure, now you're in the story too!  
  
Gengi: why thank you! And in answer to your question, yes, he will be going to the HQ towards the end.  
  
ksha2222: thanks for the long review! Yes, you may appear with Oliver at the end as well. Hm. infact, you can appear with Oliver AND sugar. There. Hehe  
  
C-chan: Thanks, I do feel slightly better. And as for "Pabam!" (once again, if you don't understand this, read Gryf_Gal's response), you're welcome for the laugh! Also, welcome to the list of new characters!  
  
padfoot rocks: Welcome to the story, new brilliant character! Lol, I liked your quote in the review. again. ack, you come up with great lines! It's not fair! *sobs* Oh yeah, I'll help with your writers block! *lame super here music starts to play*  
  
Here comes, Pretty Boy Action Man! Brave enough to wear a tu-tu and cancan!  
  
Nails that are so perfect, a shining smile! Golden hair that is on his head in piles!  
  
Go, Pretty Boy, Go! Right the wrong! Right the wrong! Go, Pretty Boy, Go!  
  
*Mars sits there and stares in disbelief* On second thought, sorry Padfoot, I really can't help you *glares at Lockhart who's primping in the mirror*  
  
Hermione Joanne Potter: lol, it's ok! The reason I wrote those challenges was because I was too lazy to write them myself! And yes, welcome to the new cast!  
  
NerinaDragonstongue: You're welcome, and I'll try to fit in Fleur! Actually, I think I can! *evil laugh at new idea*  
  
Lilyanna: I'm sorry to hear about Mr. Snuggums! I'll keep writing!  
  
Ronnikins-Girl: I remember you! Ok, that was a complete lie, but your old name does ring a bell! Thanks for all the complements, and yes, welcome to THE LIST! 


	10. Meet Pabam and Pagaw

~*Fanfiction.net HQ*~  
  
"PRETTY BOY ACTION MAN IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The whole room froze, as everyone turned to look at the strange man (at least, they thought he was a man) that had just charged through the door. He had long golden hair, though half of it was rolled up in pink curlers. A pink hair net was over his face, like a mask, obscuring is identity. He held a manicure kit in one hand, and in the other he held a hair blower.  
  
"Who?" An employee asked, staring at this strange, er, man in awe.  
  
"I am PRETTY BOY ACTION MAN!!!!!!!! AKA, PABAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM HERE TO STOP YOUR EVIL, SINISTER, BAD, FOUL, GRUESOME, TERRIBLE, GROTESQUE, TWISTED- "  
  
Ron groaned. "This could take a while."  
  
~*Hogwarts infirmary*~  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA! Now the whole world will laugh at your expense, you stupid magic freaks," a faceless voice cried.  
  
"No, it's not fair! It's not!" Harry yelled. He looked around and gasped at what he saw. Ron and Hermione, being ridiculed. Sirius and Remus never able to live under the same roof. Voldemort, crying softly in a corner, muttering to himself about the 'bloody-boy-who-lived'. Dumbledor, with his head on his hands, was the one to truly get to Harry though.  
  
"Harry. . . how could you have let your fame do this to us? What did we do to you that was so terrible, Harry? Why are you doing this?"  
  
"Professor Dumbledor! I. . . I didn't mean for it to be like this, I swear!"  
  
"We hate you Harry."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Harry woke with a start, panting hard. He looked around to find himself in the Hogwarts infirmary, with no one else around. ::It was all a dream::, he thought, desperately trying to calm himself. Suddenly, he remembered the situation. He had to get to Fanfiction.net HQ to help with the fight.  
  
::My only real option is to have the Dursley's drive me:: he thought, ruefully. With that in mind, however, he sprang from his bed, grabbed some floo powder, and flooed to the Dursley's. How did he get there, though his fireplace was not on the floo network? Don't ask me, I'm just retelling this story the way it happened. Figure it out on your own.  
  
~*Fanfiction.net HQ*~  
  
"-HORRIBLE, AWFUL, TAINTED, ROTTEN, STUPID, DEADLY, INEXCUSIBLE WRITING!" The whole room gave a relieved sigh. Who knew that there could be so many synonyms for the word 'bad'? Ron walked up close to Pabam and looked at his hair net carefully. He gasped, as he recognized the glittering curlers.  
  
"You! You're Lockhart!" he gasped, though no one else heard him.  
  
"SHHHHHHH!" Pabam hissed. "You can not reveal my true identity!" Ron gave him a strange look, then backed away slowly, clearly disturbed by this pink man.  
  
Everyone's attention was diverted to the stairwell as a few officers started coming into the room. "This is the police! We have you surrounded! Put your hands up in the air!"  
  
"Put your hands in the air?" Arthur Weasley asked, in confusion. "Why? That sounds quite ridiculous." His eyes suddenly widened. "Please-men! Oh my, how delightful!" He ran over to the closest officer. "Now, what is that shiny thing?" he said, pointing to the badge on his shirt. "I know it's some symbol of authority. . ."  
  
"Free bracelets!" Mrs. Weasley squealed, pointing at the handcuffs. Pabam knew these blue men's sinister intentions though. He also knew he could not handle them all by himself. It was time for back up plan number 1. He pulled out a couple different hair sprays.  
  
"HAIR. . . SPRAY. . . MAGICAL. . . ACTION!!!!!!!!!" He threw the hairspray in separate directions, creating a smoke screen. He then pulled out his pocket mirror.  
  
"Come in PAGAW, this is PABAM. Come in, PAGAW. . ."  
  
~*Somewhere in France*~  
  
Fleur was sitting infront of her mirror, combing her hair when her pocket communicator mirror started beeping. She pulled it out and gasped.  
  
"Uncle! What is ze matter?"  
  
"Pagaw, you need to come here right now! We have a serious mission."  
  
Fleur nodded her head. "I will be zer veri soon." ::Hold on dear uncle, PRETTY GIRL ACTION WOMAN will be there soon!::  
  
~*Fanfiction.net HQ*~  
  
The wizards and witches were surrounded by policemen, in the center of the room. Pabam looked about, trying to find a way out, but to no avail. The policemen started advancing, slowly. Then the door opened. . .  
  
AN: Not my longest, not my best, but I will tell you one thing. . . I was hard pressed for time to get this typed up. With my scholars writing program, being the lead flute in band, the sniper attacks around here, and other schmoo, I have been extremely busy. I'm so so so so so so so sorry it took me so long to get this out, and I promise, next chapter should be one of the craziest yet. I don't have time to make a long list of who's in the last chapter, but you know who you are.  
  
Sadly, I don't have time for thank you notes, so I'll type them up asap and attach them to my next chapter! For those of you who reviewed, you get one of Pabam's fingernail clippings! So be happy! Be back soon! I hope. . . 


	11. Then the Door Opened

Then the door opened. . .  
  
Dumbledore strode into the room with confidence with Minerva on his right and Harry on his left. Harry had threatened the Dursley's by saying that he'd use his freak power against them if they didn't drive him to the HQ. He amazingly caught up with Dumbledore because Dumbledore had chosen to walk all the way there. No one really knows why.  
  
The wise wizard stood, facing the police officers. There was no twinkle present in his all seeing blue eyes. Cold fury streamed out in torrents. He continued to face the officers, obviously pleased that he was intimidating them. And he stood there. . . and stood there. . . and stood there. . . and stood there. . .  
  
~*Ten minutes later*~  
  
"Ablus?"  
  
"Yes, Minerva?"  
  
"What exactly are you looking at?" By this point, the police were just glaring back, and everyone was getting tired from standing for so long.  
  
"Donuts," was Dumbledore's reply.  
  
"Donuts?" Harry asked, in confusion.  
  
Dumbledore turned to face Harry, causing the child hero to shudder. He had never seen Dumbledore THIS angry before. Not even after the Triwizard Tournament.  
  
The Headmaster crouched down and put one hand on each of Harry's shoulders. "Harry, I must ask you something. Do you remember ever seeing Donuts in the school?"  
  
Harry thought for a moment. "There are other pastries, but not Donuts," he finally said.  
  
Dumbledore nodded his head. "Exactly. Now, Harry, do you know why this is?"  
  
Harry thought again. "No, sir, I don't."  
  
Dumbledore's expression became grave. "The reason is, Harry, that Donuts are the enemy of lemon drops."  
  
At this revelation, everyone exchanged disturbed looks throughout the room. The day had come. Dumbledore had finally lost it.  
  
Dumbledore, being the all knowing sage that he is, seemed to sense their discomfort. "Perhaps I should explain," he said. "Back when I was thirteen years old, and a student of Hogwarts-"  
  
"-several centuries ago," Ron muttered just loud enough for others to hear.  
  
"As I was saying, while I was at Hogwarts there was a contest. This contest was to determine what the favorite muggle treat of the school was. The contestants were lemon drops, Donuts, hottie hots, popcorn, and taffy. In the end, it was a tie between Donuts and lemon drops and all that was left was for my former friend, Betra Yu, and a fellow Gryffindor, to cast his vote. His vote would determine the winner," Dumbledore paused before taking a calming breath. "He betrayed me, Harry. He voted for Donuts."  
  
"But sir, it was just a little vote," Harry said, comfortingly. "Surely that's not that bad?"  
  
"That's where you are mistaken," Dumbledore said firmly. "It was the worst thing possible. For you see, Mr. Potter, later in life Betra Yu grew up to become Grindlewald, my arch enemy. Ever since then, Donuts have been banned from Hogwarts."  
  
All the witches and wizards in the room first gave a sympathetic look to Dumbledore before glaring at the policemen. Donuts were obviously a very evil substance.  
  
Harry suddenly had a thought. "But Headmaster, if Donuts are the mark of evil, why doesn't Voldemort like them?" Everyone turned to look at the evil wizard.  
  
Voldemort replied haughtily, "Who wantsssss Donutsssss anyway? I prefer Hottie Hottssss," he hissed oh so snake like.  
  
"Those came in third," Dumbledore said, to no one in particular.  
  
With all the talking and looking back and forth, no one had noticed that one of the policemen had snuck around, behind them. Pabam noticed it at the last second.  
  
"Dumbledore, look out!" He shouted. Dumbledore whirled around in time to see a Donut streaking toward him.  
  
The room held its breath. . . everyone died from lack of oxygen. The end. Well, not really. Just the end of this chapter.  
  
  
  
Author notes: It's been almost three months since I updated this. . . Sorry! Anyway, life's been hectic (When it rains, it pours) and there hasn't really been much for me to feel like laughing about. I doubt this chapter's really funny, but hopefully, the ending will be pleasing.  
  
The next chapter will be called Donuts, Lemon Drops, and Hottie Hots. . . Oh My! and it will have a battle with wizards vs. muggles. Overall, there's only about two or three chapters left to this fic.  
  
If you have any questions, go ahead and e-mail me cause I don't think I'll have enough time to answer reviews. If I do, I'll post it up.  
  
Keep reviewing please, the more reviews there are, the sooner it's likely I'll post. I'll type more asap!  
  
-Mars Raven 


	12. The Great Battle Doesn't that sound dr...

Everyone watched in horror as the donut made its way for Dumbeldore. Just as it appeared that all hope would be lost for the headmaster, he reached out his wrinkly hand and grasped it, catching it in mid air. The look in his eyes was murderous, and he slowly squeezed the donut until all of its jelly filling spilled out. Then, he pulled out a sack of lemon drops, unstuck two, and flung one at a police officer. It hit him in the forehead, knocking him over.  
  
In rage, another police officer threw a glaze donut that hit Voldemort in the chest. Voldemort grunted and stumbled backwards, before pulling out a hottie hot and throwing it back at the officer. It landed in his mouth, causing him to gurgle and spit because of its hottie hotness. This is when the tension in the room broke at last.  
  
Wizards and witches united to throw lemon drops while Death Eaters joined their master by throwing hottie hots. Donuts and candies were whizzing through the air, quicker than any snitch, deadlier than any one of Snape's glares.  
  
Tod had huddled himself in a corner, rocking himself back and forth while whimpering "This is only an RPG, this is only an RPG. . ."  
  
Pretty Boy Action Man was currently flinging hair gel at anyone, both friend and foe, claiming that people needed to take better care of their hair. Harry screamed and ran away when PABAM came after him.  
  
The first of the good guys to fall was Fleur. A donut hit her across the hand, breaking a nail. Not a little chip like the one she got on the way there, but actually BREAKING it. She fell, in slow motion for dramatic effect. Then, hit the ground in a heap, yet still managing to look beautiful. All the guys in the room swooned, then swelled with rage when they realized she had actually been hit.  
  
Harry yelled and lead an attack, not really understanding how a food fight was going to solve their problems, yet not arguing anyway. Everyone else seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable, so he wouldn't complain.  
  
Sirius, during the whole fiasco, had transformed into a dog again and was eating all the candy off the ground, since it tasted oh so yummy and would be a complete waste just left as it was. He was extra careful to avoid eating any evil donuts though. He knew Moony would be mad with him if he did.  
  
Suddenly, the police seemed to remember they had guns. At the same time, the wizards and witches remembered they had wands. But they all decided they liked the food fight better (less casualties you see) so they promptly forgot their weapons and kept throwing food.  
  
Now, somewhere in reality, far, far away from this fanfic, the real Harry Potter was playing Quidditch. He suddenly got a horrible craving for junk food, like lemon drops and hottie hots and fell fifty feet from his broom and nearly died from it. When he woke up and explained it to Dumbledore, it was a complete mystery to everyone as to why it had happened. They all decided to blame it on Voldemort, and it wasn't spoken of ever again. JK Rowling also decided to delete from her fifth book, so it'll never be spoken of among us. At least you all know the truth.  
  
Back at the battle scene, Ron and his brothers were throwing hottie hots and lemon drops of their own invention (courtesy of the twin's new joke shop project) that gave people third ears, long toe nails, fake eye balls, a silky deep voice. . . oh wait, that was just Snape.  
  
Draco Malfoy was purposely getting up in police officer's faces and spitting, deciding that he might as well use this odd talent to his advantage. "So, you see, by attacking Potter *spit* and ridding us of Potter *spit*, the annoying Potterness *spit* won't be at school and I won't have a stupid Potter *spit* to scream 'Hey Potter!' *spit* at!"  
  
Lucius Malfoy got jelly donut stuck in his long blonde hair. This highly distressed him, for no proper Malfoy would be seen with anything donut like in their hair. So he went running to PABAM who gladly gave him hair gel. Malfoy walked away to rejoin the fight, not knowing that his hair was turning green.  
  
"Enough!" the head policeman screamed, pulling his gun out in the air. Everyone froze and held their breath. . . again. . .  
  
Off in the distance, a swooshing sound could be heard. This sound sounded distinctly like broomsticks. . .  
Author's Note: Short and sweet and totally OCC, as it should be. This fic has only two chapters left in it. After this, there will be a sequel called Harry Potter and the Revenge of the Readers. I'll let you take a guess as to what it's gonna be about.  
  
Since it's midnight, actually past midnight, I don't have time to acknowledge reviews. However, if you have questions, e-mail me and I'll answer them in the next update.  
  
Those of you who wanted to be mentioned, you will appear in THE NEXT CHAPTER. That means, if you want to be in this, let me know soon! Whoever wants to be mentioned, say so soon or you will be left out of the finale.  
  
Keep reviewing, cause the more you review, the sooner I'll update. Bye for now! 


	13. Last Chance!

Ok, this is my final warning before I write up the next chappy. If you want to be in the second to last chapter, then you must review and tell me NOW. That means, you have until the 7nth to tell me, then I'll write the chapter. If you've already told me you wish to be in it, then I'll go through the reviews and see who has already requested to be mentioned. To be on the safe side, it'd be best to remind me so I don't accidentally miss your name.  
  
If you want your fic to be found by any of the characters, now is also the time to tell me! So far I only have two down for being found. That's all for now, so up until the 7nth, go ahead and let me know if you want to be in it or if you want to see your fic in it. 


	14. Thus Spoke the Raven

Thus Spoke the Raven:  
  
Hi all, and sorry to say that this is NOT an update for this fanfic. I've put together some challenges, and the list is going to be at the end of each of my fics. Angst, humor, suspense, whatever I feel like writing a challenge on will be in here, and I'll be adding other challenges as I think of them, so be sure to keep checking back if you're interested. Also, most of these ideas are original, so I would like credit for them. If you've written one of these ideas already into a fanfic, and I've accidentally stolen it from you, e-mail me with a link to the fanfic, I'll check it out, apologize, and remove the challenge. For my original challenges, however, I would appreciate if credit is given to me for the initial idea. Have fun!  
  
1. True Identities  
  
We've all read about Harry getting adopted by Snape, or Snape being Harry's father, or Sirius coming to save Harry but then they get captured (my personal favorite ^_^), but I have a new proposition to make that I haven't seen appear in any fanfics I've read so far.  
  
What if Harry Potter isn't really Harry Potter? What if James and Lily were watching someone else's kid on that night, along with their own child? If the real Harry Potter was killed with his parents, and his body lost in the debris, then who is the boy that the world calls Harry Potter? What's his real name? Who were his parents? Are his parents still alive? Why didn't anyone realize the truth before? If it wasn't James and Lily Harry saw in the mirror of Erised, who was it? And what about Voldemort? Does he know who Harry really is, or has he been chasing after an already dead person all these years?  
2. "There Is No Good and Evil"  
  
Do you remember when Voldemort said those words in book one? He said "There is no good and evil. Only power, and those too weak to seek it", or something like that. What if he was telling the truth? What if there is no good an evil after all? Could this whole ordeal just be a struggle for power between two forces? In this fic, Aurors are the "light" sides death eaters. If any one gets in the way, they're dealt with. Now that Harry has figured out that he's just been fed lies about light and dark, he needs to make a choice. Which power force does he want to join? Voldemort, who has been straightforward truthful to him, or Dumbldore, who has protected him, yet kept certain parts of his life a secret? And why did Voldemort kill Harry's parents?  
3. The Lion's Serpent:  
  
I've thought of three different ways this fic could turn out, so I'll list off the options after I'm done with the general summary.  
  
Harry is still on summer break, trying to move on with his life and cope with what happened in the third task of the Triwizard Tournament. He keeps having dreams of Voldemort's actions; he's forced to watch what Voldemort does to his victims. Just when Harry thinks he can't stand to watch anymore, the dreams stop. Shortly after the dreams stop, a black haired orphan ends up on the Dursley's door step. He's five years old, and his name is Tom, but he can't remember anything else. Harry feels a pang of sympathy for the child, and lets him stay in his room. Harry becomes the parent image for Tom, and they grow quite close. When it's time for Harry to go to Hogwarts, he brings his "adopted son" with him and convinces the teachers to let him stay at the school so that Harry can take care of him.  
  
A: Tom's memory suddenly comes back one day. Tom now knows who he is and what happened, but what will he do? Has his love for his new "father" changed him into a better person? Will he attempt to regain his former body? Will he still try to kill Harry? If he decides he wants things to remain the same, will he even tell Harry the truth?  
  
B: Tom's memory doesn't appear to be coming back at all. One day, he says he thinks his last name is Riddle, however, and that catches Harry's attention immediately. Suddenly, Harry recognizes his "son" for being Tom Riddle, a younger Voldemort, and the murderer of his parents. What will Harry do? Will he try to kill him? Will he, like Tom's real father, abandon him? Will he hand him over to the Ministry? Or has Harry's love for his new "son" grown so deep, that he'll shelter Tom from his horrible past and work to give him a brighter future?  
  
C: Harry and Tom suddenly realize, at the same moment, the truth about Tom. It happens suddenly, after months of Tom being five years old. Now that they both know the truth, what will happen? Will one of them reject the other? Will they go back to being enemies? Or will Tom's need for a parent and Harry's need for someone to love, and feel loved back from, intercede and keep them together?  
  
This was not intended to be a slash, even though I'll leave that up to the author.  
  
4. In The Name of Merlin!:  
  
Everyone in the wizarding world knows who Merlin is. Everyone also knows how the story of Merlin goes. Merlin, in the end, was defeated by being seduced by Vivien (aka the lady of the lake) He revealed his power to her, and she cast a spell on him forever trapping him within an oak tree (A/N: I did not make that up, that's how the original story of Merlin goes; I'm just using the background info to help with this idea). What no one knows is that Merlin indeed broke free again, years later, and is now using the name Albus Dumbledor. Now Harry has put all the facts together and has discovered Dumbledor's, or rather Merlin's, secret. Even more, Harry found out that he's related to Dumbledor! Does Voldemort know about Dumbledor's secret? Could that be why Voldemort was always so afraid of him? Will the rest of the Wizard community find out?  
  
I decided to leave more room for creativity in this one. Basically, have fun with it. Once again, please leave a review with it if you plan to use it and I do like getting credit. Also, if you need more info on Merlin (His Animagus forms, powers, history, etc) just ask, and I'll give it.  
  
5. Dying Angel  
  
Severus Snape, feared potions master of Hogwarts, decides that midway through the summer holiday, he's going to take his fifth year Slytherins on an out of school field trip. This is no ordinary field trip, however. The assignment is to study a wizard that lives in a muggle family to observe the difference in this wizard's life style over the summer. The vote from the Slytherins was unanimous. Harry Potter. Snape casts an invisibility/ sound proof charm on his class and himself and they floo powdered themselves to the Dursley's. They were quite surprised at what they found. Harry Potter, the Golden Boy Who Lived, loved by good, feared by evil, teacher's pet, goody-goody, angel child, was in reality abused by his relatives. He's quite thin and tattered, covered in cuts and bruises. His eyes are dull, and his voice toneless. He is shy, timid, and skittish; he seems to be afraid of people. Even worse, the Dursley's enrolled him in a summer school, and Harry is back to being the small, skinny, pale kid that's easy to beat up and pick on. Snape realizes that Harry is dying a little every day with the combination of his nightmares in both a state of dormancy and consciousness. Snape is utterly horrified at watching the way Harry is treated. One day, as the class is still observing Harry, his uncle gives Harry the worst beating ever. Snape can no longer stand aside, and he comes to Harry's aid. Now Harry is in the care of Snape and the other Slytherins. Will this be the chance to break the ice between the Gryffindor and Slytherin house? Will Harry ever be the same person again? And when school starts again, will Snape be able to let Harry go?  
  
This one wasn't my most original, but I still have yet to find a fic that matches this criteria.  
  
6. The Truth About Voldemort  
  
This one is supposed to be a humor fic. Basically, Harry is dragged to a Michael Jackson concert by Hermoine and some other muggles, ang lo and behold! Michael Jackson, in reality, is Voldemort! Harry doesn't know how he could have missed it before. . . the long fingers, the beyond white skin, the serpentine nose. . . What will happen when Harry delivers this news to the wizarding world??? That's all for now, I'll add new ideas as I think of them. If you want to use one of these, just leave the challenge's number or title in a chapter review (not the challenges review since the reviews would get deleted) Thanks again, and enjoy writing!  
Free Post Section:  
  
This is a section where I will post challenges from other people who wish to have them posted here. If you would like to post a challenge here, then let me know, and I'll post it and make sure you get credit for it. If you want to use any of these challenges, don't ask me, ask the person who came up with it. I'll leave their pen name or e-mail address so you can get persmission.  
  
Pen name Fire Mage:  
1. AU What if the Dursleys really /had/ done everything to stop Harry from learning magic? The Dursleys move to America as soon as they get Harry. They decide to treat him okay, since they don't want him knowing that there's anything special about him. They forbid the children to read fantasy books, or watch fantasy movies. So their kids fall in love with science fiction. They dream to fly in a space ship once, and save the universe from aliens. When Harry gets the letter he just throws it in the trash, and continues dreaming of a career as an astonaut or pilot of a spaceship. The wizards are really annoyed that their best man is a science fiction freak, when a Slytherin gets the idea to tell him that he's being recruted to fight an alien (Voldemort). This alien had gotten humans to follow him, and looked a little like a snake. They're rather surprised with how fast Harry agrees to fight the alien. He's told that wands are high- tech weapons, and he had to speak different words to get it to do different things. He's a really fast learner, and is soon ready to fight Voldemort. Everyone is really confused when he calls Voldemort an alien, and uses the wand like a gun. He wins, and finds out that Voldemort wasn't really an alien. He's so angry that he just goes back home, and becomes an astonaut. In the end he really encounters aliens, and destroys them. Then the muggles celebrate him, and the wizards just shake their heads. It's beyond their comprehension.  
  
2. What if Harry had run away from the Dursleys when he was four, and now living in the Scottish mountains. He hates humans, and is able to talk with the wild life. He uses his abilities to heal the plants and animals. Yes, he has to eat, but he only eats with permission, and even then he tries to make it as painless as possible. Then he weeps bitterly for the animal he had to kill to live. The animals always come to him and reasure him that he's just following the laws of nature. His home is paradise, and he enjoys it fully. His eleventh birthday comes, he gets the letter, and he sends back a note that he's content in being where he is. Everything is perfect for him, until his best friend, an eagle, is killed and a signiture, a green skull with a snake winding around it, is hoovering over his body. He lets his anger take hold of him, and sets out to destroy this person that killed his friend. With him come many of his other friends. They acidently find Hogwarts, where Harry finds out that it was Voldemort, and that he had also killed Harry's parents. He accepts the offered training, and the animals stay around. They have taken on the role of his bodguard, and the bigger ones that were resistant to magic guard the gates. The ones that couldn't really do either that well just lounged around. When Harry was ready he attacks and kills Voldemort. Then he returns to his mountain, and lives in harmony till the next time.  
  
3. Harry Potter/Discworld crossover. Harry is actually Death, and a double has to jump in for him when he's off on his 'Death' duties. Then one day he has to kill Voldemort, and take his soul at the same time. How can he keep them from finding out?  
  
4. In his fifth year Harry goes away from Hogwarts, and comes back under an other name, and other features. He basically looks the same except he'S got contacts that make his eyes look grey, and has died his hair green, then made it stick up straight with gel. No one recognises him. His name is Alexander Jameson. Voldemort is searching the country for him, while he is just enjoying a year at Hogwarts. The only thing is that he has to keep up his disguise, and let the hat put him in Slytherin this time, because he thought that this would make it even less likely that anyone would figure him out.  
  
5. Ranma 1/2 and Harry Potter crossover. Harry goes to Japan to the Saotome family, because they still owe Dumbledore a favor. Ranma gets the brilliant idea to have Harry purposely fall into one of the springs, and get Voldemort off his trail like that. Well Harry turns into an oriental dragon, which are much more powerful than the European ones, because they're able to use magic most of the time. Well, the dragon tamers are trying to catch him, to keep him in check, and Voldemort wants to catch him too, because the dragons are so powerful. One question: how many more brilliant ideas will Ranma have, and will we survive them?  
  
6. Ron, Fred and George are tripplets. Fred and George are in Slytherin with Harry, and Ron is in Ravenclaw. Ron thinks up the pranks, and the other three carry them out. Hermione is in Ravenclaw, and their main enemy. She's always trying to convince the house that Ron is involved in the pranking, but no one believes her.  
  
7. AU fic where Petunia hast to work when the two are about two years old, and they need a nani. Marry Poppins shows up, and helps the Dursleys accept Harry, and in so doing changes the books, because Harry got along with the Dursleys since then. They moved to Canada and weren't heard of by the wizarding world since. Voldemort never got the stone, because of the Mirror of Erised, so he's still teaching there and no one knows. Well, the wizards in canada have been trying to track Harry down, and finally they find him and his family in a cottege in the woods. They're really happy, and they don't want to disturb them. They only say that they've been found, and tell their piers where. It's agreed to leave them alone unless dire circumstances call for it. One day Voldemort returns and they have to call on Harry. He reluctently follows the cry for help, and saves the world. All the while he just wants to return to the woods he loves so dearly. At the end he can, and he does. But by then a girl has fallen for him, and keeps on coming to visit him. Dudley isn't so fat, because he and Harry have always been playing in the woods. Harry is always gone when she comes, and that is no accident. He's afraid of girls, since he hasn't been around any other than his aunt. Their nany left when the wind changed. He does end up getting together with her, but half the time he's running away from her. The greatest dark lord ever can't scare him, but a simple girl scares the living daylights out of him.  
  
I will repeat, these challenges belong to Fire Mage and I pasted them with the exact words. Therefore, contact Fire Mage if you want to use any of these seven challenges. If anyone else wants to post a challenge on this post page, just e-mail or IM me, and I'll post them with credit to you, right away. 


	15. Chapter 15

Ok, ok, I know that this isn't a real update, so please don't report me! What I'm writing to say is that I'm back from the dead – check out my profile to see what's up and to vote on which fic gets fixed and updated first! It's in your hands right now, so let me know what you want and I'll do my best to deliver. Again, sorry for the excruciatingly long wait and, as soon as I know how many people want what, I'll have something new for you. It'll be here before Christmas if I get feedback!


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